Being betrayed can be a devastating experience. The reason it's so painful is that the betrayal always comes from the place you would least expect it: the person you love. As much as you might feel desperate and confused, it's important that you keep a level head and don't do anything rash.
Don't let your emotions overtake your ability to think reasonably, because you are now going to need to make an important decision: Will you stay or should you leave? After dealing with the pain of the heartbreak, this is the second most difficult part of being cheated on.
This article will help you make the right decision after finding out that your boyfriend cheated on you.
1. Accept it, and give yourself time to calm down before dealing with it
Before making any decisions, you need to accept what has happened first. It's important that you do not blow out of proportion nor minimize what has actually happened. This will help you analyze the situation, calm your mind down, and process what's going on; your emotions won't be all over the place.
2. Don't blame yourself
There's no excuse a guy can give a girl that will justify his cheating on her. Don't think things to yourself like, "It's because I've gained weight - that's why he cheated on me."
A decent guy that truly cares about his girlfriend will love her the way she is. If there's anything he doesn't like, he should be able to speak about it in a healthy way, not in a way that would cause her any hurt or shame.
3. Ask him to explain to you how this happened
Once the initial explosion of emotions in your mind has settled, ask your boyfriend to explain how this infidelity happened. This will keep your imagination from embellishing the details of the affair.
You don't want to imagine that your boyfriend was telling another girl that he was in love with her or that he was planning on leaving you for her. Hopefully knowing more will help you accept that the affair wasn't any more than a meaningless fling to him.
4. Find out what kind of cheating it was
This sounds strange, but it's necessary that you understand that there are different kinds of cheating. After asking questions, if you discover that your boyfriend is a serial cheater and there have been a string of girls that he's had on the side, there may not be any hope for forgiveness.
He might have deep issues that have caused him to cheat on you, and he probably wouldn't be able (or want) to stop. If it was a girl that came on to him, and they slept together once, perhaps he just ended up in a lustful situation. It is possible to work through this kind of betrayal, because he probably wasn't that invested in it.
The best case scenario (if you can look at it that way) is that it was a one-night drunken fling. If it's not in his nature to behave that way, he'll feel terribly guilty and is more likely to never allow himself to get into that situation again.
5. Try to communicate about the root cause of the cheating
The reason why this is an important step is that you can ascertain whether it's possible for him to change. The reasons why he feels the need to sleep with another woman might be because of a deep issue that goes back to his youth, or it could be because of something that's happening in your relationship.
If, for example, he confesses that the reason he slept with someone else was that he feels his sexual needs are neglected in the relationship, this is something that can be addressed.
This doesn't mean that you should blame yourself and believe, "This is why my boyfriend cheated on me," but it will help you know the changes that can be made to make sure that your boyfriend's needs are met moving forward. That could keep this kind of thing from ever happening again.
6. Understand what your man thinks about cheating
This doesn't mean that you should accept the old saying that fidelity is against man's nature. Many men don't find it difficult to refrain from cheating on their partners. Sadly, not all men are this way. Some will argue that the differences between men's anatomical sexual capabilities and women's sexual capabilities are designed to compel them to mate and reproduce with many women.
But men are not animals, right? They should have the ability to control their impulses. If your boyfriend comes from the school of thought that men were built to sow their wild oats as far and wild as possible, then the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" will definitely apply to him.
7. Identify if he is a serial liar
This is a separate but equally serious issue. If your man constantly lies about things, big or small, then he's a serial liar. He is probably an entitled and manipulative person. You may never be able to get him to be a different person. He will never feel guilty about lying to you or cheating on you.
These types of people are best not to waste your time on. Maybe in many years they'll learn for themselves that they'll end up sad and alone if they hold on to their habits.
8. Build your own support group
At this time, you'll need to have people around you who care about you and you can trust. It doesn't necessarily have to be friends or family. A counselor or online support group can work wonders. Speak about what you're going through with them, and listen to other people's experiences.
This will help you realize that you are not alone in this experience and that the pain you are feeling will eventually pass. There is life after infidelity and, believe it or not, relationships can sometimes come out better and stronger as a result.
9. Resist the urge to seek revenge
It has been said that when a man cheats on his girlfriend, the pain is not so much heartbreak as it is the shattering of her ego. You'll know if you are the woman with the shattered ego opposed to the broken-hearted one, because your urge will be to seek revenge on your boyfriend.
You will feel that the only way you can let go of the pain is by doing the same thing to him. You sleeping with another man behind your boyfriend's back will give your ego the boost it needs to allow you to stay in the relationship. Your ego will tell you that you have restored balance to your union, but cheating is never an answer to anything. Resist the urge, as you might only succeed in piling guilt on top of your pain.
10. Work to rebuild the trust
Once you have accepted the truth about your relationship, knowing exactly how you were betrayed and understanding why it happened, you can decide if you want to do the work required to rebuild the trust in your relationship. Know that this will be a long and difficult process.
You will both have to make rules that you must stick to and your boyfriend will have to prove to you that he deserves your trust. You will know if he really wants to make it work, because he'll be willing to jump through any hoops you hold out to him so that he can win your trust back.
Summary
You will need to work through all of these steps to gain clarity on what your circumstances are and if your relationship can be saved. This isn't really something you can ask anyone's advice about, because only you can judge whether you believe your relationship is worth working on or walking away from.