The start of new love can feel like a fairytale. After some time, the realization that you might not be perfectly matched is the reality check that will quickly burst your fairytale bubble. As your relationship develops, you'll learn that your love alone is not enough to make it work out if you have differences in your desires for the long term.
Healthy functional relationships can have their differences. Sometimes compromise is needed, while for some serious issues both wouldn't agree, they become deal-breakers. Learn what you can do when you love someone but want different things out of your relationship and your lives.
What to Do When You and Your Partner Want Different Things
1. State what you need, want and listen to theirs
Although it's easier to bury our heads in the clouds and simply hope for our happily ever after, being unconscious about what your partner ultimately wants will only lead to a painful ending. Be courageous and state what you need and want from life and your partner. It's fair that you tell them sooner rather than later. Don't plan to convert them to a different religion when you're 40 years old (for example).
Also, here's the important part - listen to them and accept what your partner wants and needs from the relationship and their life. Hear them out and refrain from judging them or responding in a way that might put them off of opening up to you in the future.
2. Recognize whether you can accept the differences
Not all differences in desires are deal-breakers; you both should be willing to adapt what you want to accommodate the wants of your beloved. You might plan to have a vegan household and should be willing to accept that your boyfriend will barbeque burgers and sausages from time to time.
It is reasonable to want to be healthy, and it's normal to worry about your significant others' health too. Still, we cannot be demanding or forceful about what others want for themselves. Just because we are in a relationship with them doesn't give us the right to dictate how they'll live their life.
Your boyfriend might have always seen himself having 4 children. At the same time, you only wanted one, so you compromised by agreeing to have 2 children. If you truly love your partner, compromising over issues that directly affect you both shouldn't be too difficult. We want our partners to be happy and enjoy their lives just as much as we do.
Maybe you have dreamt of moving to New York, while your sweetheart prefers countryside living. At first, it might seem like there's no solution to this difference. You could say to yourself, ''we want different things.'' In such case, a solution can be found depending on how you look at it and how much you're willing to work for your mutual happiness.
You can agree to spend some of the years in one place and the rest of the year in the other. If this is unrealistic because of jobs or other constraints, then how about agreeing to live in New York for 5 years and then move to the countryside for another 5 years? Usually, one person will decide that they don't mind living anywhere as long as they are with the one they love.
3. Differences that cannot be accepted or compromised on
If you and your partner struggle to agree on compromising on particular issues, it might mean that the issue is a deal-breaker, and your relationship may not overcome its differences.
- Future plan in a long term relationship
Opinions or desires that cannot be compromised on are things like marriage. There's no way to meet halfway on being married. Many men have thought that they can subdue their women by giving them an engagement ring with the plan of having an indefinite engagement. But if a woman wants to get married, this will never satisfy her in the long run.
- Different commitment opinions on your relationship
Likewise, if either you or your partner have a difference in opinion on how your relationship should work, you may not be able to resolve a conflict as significant as this. For instance, if there are commitment issues and one of you wants to take a more casual approach to your relationship, this will be very difficult for the other person to accept.
They might be happy to do so in the beginning because when you love someone but want different things you might try to overlook it. As you know, that's the only way you can be with them. However, in time this lack of real commitment will become unbearable, and the injured party will accept that they'll have to walk away and find what they always wanted.
- Different priorities
Other issues that cannot be compromised are differences arising from personality traits. For example, if your partner lacks ambition and is not interested in the lifestyle you want for yourself. You'll never be able to change this person to become more hardworking. If he does change, it'll only be for you, and therefore, it'll not be sustainable for them. They may end up resenting you for making them live a lifestyle that they never wanted.
Conversely, your boyfriend might be a highly driven and career orientated man. He has made it clear that his priority is his position within the organization that he works for. He will expect you to accept the lonely nights and lack of quality time together because he told you who he was when you met him. A difference in priorities of this kind will be difficult to resolve.
- Different levels of independence
This is a common discrepancy in relationships. Although dependency, to an extent, is a necessary part of the bond between a couple, too much of it can be detrimental to healthy individuals and a healthy relationship. More often, it's the female that is more dependent on the male, but it can also be the other way around.
Differences in levels of independence can become a problem if the man is attracted to independent women. In fact, the vast majority of men are.
Whether it's financially or socially, it's important that both parties of a couple are able to maintain individuality. A woman that has her own passions, hobbies and can enjoy her own company will always be a source of appeal to her man. He'll stay interested in her because she is interesting. A relationship with an unhealthy balance of independence and mutual dependency is likely to struggle and ultimately fail.
4. Seek professional help
When you and your partner want different things but love each other so much that you want to make it work, the smart decision is to seek out professional help. Speak to a neutral person that is equipped with the tools to help you come to a mutually satisfying solution, such as a counselor or therapist. They are trained to deal with conflict in ways that teach people how to have healthy communications and focus on problem resolution.
Summary
All relationships are destined to face their own sets of challenges. One of the best ways to minimize them is to talk about what you want and need from your life together. The sooner you are able to have this serious conversation, the better. Once you understand each other's wants, you have to be honest with yourselves.
Remember that it's ok to admit we want different things. It will allow you to choose what you want to do about it before it becomes too painful or difficult to live with.