If you suspect that your partner is lying to you, it can make you feel like you're going crazy. They might be trifle or little white lies, or they could be, big event lies. Either way, lies will leave you questioning everything your partner says and does, resulting in distrust in your relationship.
What to Do When Your Husband Lies to You
Having no way of knowing the truth for sure, or having feelings of uncertainty when speaking with your husband can be confusing, stressful and upsetting. Whether you are thinking my husband lies to me about little things or that you are scared he's been lying about big things, it's important that you find the real reason why he lies to you. Once you understand his reasons, you will have a better knowledge of how to respond.
1. He lies about small things
If you find out that your partner has lied to you about something little, it may not mean the end of your relationship. Most people have been guilty of saying something that's not entirely true. The reasons for these kinds of lies can be quite understandable as they are natural impulse reactions, designed to protect oneself from hurt or shame. If you believe that this is the case then consider taking the following actions.
- Confront him with honesty and openness
Just ask him about it. If you bring up the lie in a non-judgemental way he may feel comfortable enough to open up to you. Try to be as calm as possible and speak with kindness. This will create an environment that lets him feel safe, to be honest with you and admit to something that might be difficult or embarrassing for him to say.
Once he does open up to you and reveal the truth, it is of vital importance that you respond in a calm and accepting way - otherwise, he may never be so honest with you again!
- Change your behavior for truth
It's easy to be so focused on what to do when husband lies to you, that you ignore the reasons why he might feel he has to lie. If you grill him about his day and criticize the way he deals with things, or if you can't stand his friends and mock him for hanging out with them or if you make him feel guilty for doing something fun without you - eventually he will start to hide these things from you. If he is certain that you will make him feel bad in one way or another, your partner will not want you to know about it and will make up a lie to tell you that won't attract negative comments. This does not mean you that you should blame yourself, but you should certainly consider changing your behavior when he tells you things. If you feel jealous, or annoyed when he tells you about his day, it will benefit you not to show those feelings at the time. If you want to ask him about it another time, in a way that wouldn't hurt him or make him feel bad, you can do that, but not at the same moment he tells you about it. Don't make him scared or worried about being honest with you.
- Give him autonomy
People (mostly women) have an idealistic image in their minds of what marriage is supposed to be. We believe it's supposed to be perfect and flawless (even though marriage is made up of two imperfect, flawed people!). We believe we are supposed to share everything openly and freely, including our personal preferences, opinions, and feelings; but that's pretty much impossible. These unrealistic expectations put a lot of pressure on our relationships. If a man knows that something he wants to do won't fit into the idea of marriage that he knows his wife has, he will lie.
Therefore take the pressure off! Allow your husband to be who he wants to be - good habits and bad. Let him govern himself! Be his partner, not his parent. Not only does try to control him, force him to resort to lying, it negatively affects the intimacy between you both.
Give him the autonomy of living his life the way he wants to, trusting that he loves you and knowing that he will not do anything to damage your relationship.
- Give him space and privacy
As much as it's important to give your man his right to autonomy, it's also important to give him space and privacy that he's entitled to. Allow him the space to come to you and share the events of the day. You shouldn't feel the need to demand details and it's certainly not right for you to snoop in his personal journal, his emails or his phone.
If your husband thinks you are capable of that sort of thing, not only will he begin to lie, you will find that he also hides things from you and will put passwords on his computer and phone to keep you out!
- Don't show distrust
So you've found the packet of cigarettes in your partner's pocket and when you asked him last week if he's still smoking, he looked you in the eye and said no. You do not need to obsessively think my boyfriend lied to me. You can let him know you found out about his lie, but do not attack him for it. If after this, you continue to remind him or taunt him for lying, you may push him away. He may go to greater lengths to hide things from you. Showing him distrust definitely doesn't encourage him to be more honest with you in the future.
- Don't beat yourself up
Even if you feel that your behavior might have been the cause for your husband to lie, you really shouldn't beat yourself up. Yes, it's hurtful that you've been deceived and it's sad that your relationship isn't the perfect example of marriage, but you cannot control everything.
His choice to lie was his own, and keep in mind that he also probably feels bad that you know he lied. Just focus on trying to keep the honesty in your relationship by encouraging him to speak freely and creating a safe environment for him to be truthful with you.
- Try to understand him
When you have discovered that you have been lied to, instead of becoming resentful or holding onto your anger, try putting yourself in your husband's shoes. If you are able to understand why he didn't tell you the truth, you might be able to forgive him and move past it easier. Remember that it's highly likely that your man lied to preserve your feelings, or preserve his own feelings. It doesn't make him a terrible person or mean that he loves you any less.
2. If he lies about big important things
If you find out that your partner has lied to you about a big or important issue, then this could be a cause for concern and it doesn't leave you with many options.
You have to be able to trust that the person you married will never do anything to harm you or risk your well-being. If this trust has been broken, it is difficult for your relationship to recover. However, if you try any of the few suggestions below, it is possible to work through the betrayal.
- Zero tolerance
Let your partner know that if this kind of thing happens again, you simply will not tolerate it and the relationship will immediately end. Do not let him think this is a bluff or an empty threat. If he truly loves you, he will do everything in his power to make sure it never happens again.
- Communication
Talk about the event your husband lied about and what might have caused him to lie to you. Improving communication in your relationship may help prevent the need for lies in the future. Creating a safe environment for your husband to open up to you will allow honesty and intimacy to grow between you.
- Professional help
If you feel that the betrayal was so severe that you are seriously considering ending the relationship, perhaps you might want to first seek professional help. Speaking with a counselor or relationship therapist might help resolve the issues in your relationship that caused the behavior that led to the lies. Professional help is always a good idea if you ever reach the point where you are not sure your marriage will survive.
Summary
If you are trying to figure out what to do when husband lies to you, whether they are little white lies or big betrayals, the advice above will give you an idea of ways to deal with it. Some may believe that the occasional untruth is only natural, but if you are struggling to cope with being lied to, we highly recommend you take the last piece of advice and seek professional help from experts who are trained to support you and improve relationships.