Sometimes, girls can be so desperate to have a boyfriend, they will settle for a guy who isn't really compatible with them. Other times, girls will stay in a relationship because they like the idea of having a boyfriend or worse, because they're afraid of being alone.
If any of these are the reason you're with a guy, then you probably don't genuinely like him for who he is, but rather you just like the idea of him.
If you suspect that this might be the case with your relationship, then be honest with yourself. Ask yourself the questions throughout this article to learn how to tell whether you like someone or just the idea of them.
Question 1: Do you know what your needs are?
Before getting into a serious relationship, it's important that you take the time to consider exactly what your needs are. Are you simply looking for companionship - a designated cinema buddy or dinner date? Do you need someone to cuddle with and kiss you? Or perhaps you need someone who you can talk to for hours and connect with on a deeper level.
Your answers to these questions should be what your partner does for you. If he's not the kind of person who can give you these things, then you're probably not with him for the right reasons.
Question 2: How much do you really know about him, and do you like who he actually is?
How did you start off with your boyfriend? Did you have a crush on him and watch him from afar for a while? If so, then you most likely projected his personality onto him.
You admired him through rose-tinted glasses and imagined him to be a caring guy. Perhaps it's because of how he smiles or the way he's generous by, for example, offering to grab coffee for your colleagues.
When you don't know someone very well, it's easy to assume who they are. Only time and intimacy will reveal who they truly are, though, and this might not be the dream guy that you thought he was.
Question 3: Did you find out that he liked you before you realized that you liked him?
This might seem like an odd question, but hear me out. Women's feelings (and men's, too) can be influenced by knowing that a person likes them beforehand.
This is because it makes one feel seen, appreciated, and admired which is, after all, what we all want. So when someone likes us first, we think we are halfway to our happily ever after! The only catch with this is that we might not genuinely like them for who they are.
When this happens, there will be moments that will make you wonder, "Do I like him or the idea of him?" He might be the sweetest, most patient guy you've ever been with, but do you even like sweet guys?
Question 4: Do you feel comfortable being yourself around him?
When you're around him, do you feel you can be yourself? If you feel anything but comfortable, relaxed, and at ease when you're with him, do you believe your relationship can last long-term?
Being with your partner is supposed to feel like being at home. With them, you should feel like your most natural self - comfortable, understood, and safe.
Question 5: Do you care about his feelings?
At first glance, you might believe this is a silly question and think "He's my boyfriend. Of course, I care about his feelings." But if you're only with this guy to keep you from being lonely, then be honest with yourself.
You'll notice that you mostly think of your own feelings. Your focus is on your satisfaction when things are good and your annoyance when things are not so good. This is not the way it works in a relationship where both people equally care about each other's feelings.
Question 6: Have you ever done something for him that you thought he would like?
The answer to this question is a sure sign of whether you truly like your boyfriend for who he is. When you deeply care for someone, you will want to do things to make them happy. You'll use your initiative to think of something he might have mentioned he's interested in, and you'll be excited to arrange it for him.
If this thought has never even occurred to you before, then the answer to the question, Do I love him or the idea of him? is the latter; it's probably only the idea of him you like.
Question 7: Are you trying to change him into the image in your mind?
This is one of the most common occurrences in rocky relationships: when a girl cares more about her boyfriend becoming the replica of what she believes is an ideal man.
When he was pursuing you, he probably felt like he was auditioning for the role of your boyfriend, as opposed to you both learning about each other and building a strong friendship together.
If you find yourself frequently thinking, "He would be the perfect boyfriend if only he would stop doing this or start doing that", it's safe to say that it's only the thought of your man that you like, not the man himself.
Question 8: Are you feeling bored in your relationship?
If you feel bored in your relationship, it can be a red flag for many issues. The major problem is that you don't have much in common that can keep you interested in him.
I once dated a guy who was a lot of fun to go out with, but staying in with him was a snooze fest! Whenever he asked me to come and hang out at his place, I would dread it. "Ugh! Why can't we go out?" I would moan. I was sitting next to him watching yet another one of his mind-numbing war movies when I thought to myself, "Do I love him or the idea of him?"
At that moment, I realized that it was the thought of having the life of the party as my boyfriend that seemed great. But outside of our social scene, we had nothing in common. I broke up with him that night and vowed never to sit through another war movie again.
Question 9: Are you happier when he's not around?
Perhaps these days, you love spending time on your own, or with your friends, or your co-workers. In fact, recently, you love spending time with everyone but your boyfriend.
You used to go shopping together, but he would whine the whole time. You remember when you would go on date nights but you could never agree on what restaurant to eat at (then you would sit there looking around anyway, because he never has anything interesting to say).
It's clear that you're happier when he's not there. Not only is this a sign that you don't actually like your boyfriend, but it's also an obvious indication that your relationship won't be able to stand the test of time.
Question 10: Is what others think more important to you than the truth?
If the thought of your family learning that you're single (again) prevents you from admitting that your relationship is not working out, then you already know what's going on here.
When you're with your friends, you talk about how amazing he is and how much fun you had at the furniture store last weekend. You conveniently left out the parts where he snapped at you because you were taking too long to get to the checkout and the times that you wanted to cry because you were fed up with him criticizing you.
The fact is, you care more about others believing that you're in a happy relationship than about actually being happy.
Summary
If your answers to the questions above prove that you don't like your boyfriend for whom he really is but rather just the idea of him, then well done for being honest with yourself.
Now it's time to take a serious look at your relationship and then make a decision regarding whether you want to work on getting to know and like him or leave and wait for the guy with whom you will truly connect.
Being single and waiting for the right person shouldn't frighten you. Once you meet him, you'll know that he was worth waiting for.