Sometimes silence in a relationship is a good thing; however, sometimes it's not. It really depends on the reason. Are you and your partner enjoying some quiet time reading in bed, or is the silence so you don't strangle each other?
Conflict will occasionally pop up in a relationship. Sometimes it's a healthy thing to step away and be quiet until heads cool off. However, lasting silence could be a bad sign. There are a lot of reasons you and your partner might be maintaining silence – some good reasons, and some not so great. So let's explore silence in relationships together.
In some situations, appropriate silence and listening are better.
Firstly, let's not risk thinking all silence is bad. Silence can sometimes be a tool to work through an argument. We are all tempted to interrupt while arguing, thinking if our partner just heard us out, they'd surely agree with us.
It's likely your partner is thinking the same thing, though. So spend a moment in silence and listen. Truly listen. It will give you a better understanding of your partner's position, and they may be more respectful of hearing your concerns afterward as well.
Spice up your relationship if you or your partner is an introvert.
It may be that your partner is just painfully shy or a hopeless introvert. If that's the case, there may be nothing wrong with your relationship at all.
If you feel you want to connect more but they are quiet, try non-verbal activities to draw them out, such as giving each other massages. Or find activities that require communication to draw them out subtly. Perhaps make dinner together.
What Is the Silent Treatment?
The silent treatment is when someone in a relationship is intentionally refusing to communicate. It's rarely, if ever, a good sign when done intentionally. You should probably seek the root of the issue. It could merely be that your partner is angry and you need to discuss something.
Conversely, it could be more serious. If your partner literally just has nothing they wish to ever communicate, it could be a sign that your time together is nearing its end. You either have to find a way for this to be fixed or move along.
How to Deal With the Silent Treatment in a Relationship
First, isolate the cause. If it is something you can fix, begin to do so. Perhaps you just need to talk a previous argument out so you can forgive one another and move on. If it is a sign of a more serious problem, you may want to consider talking it out, therapy or, in the worst cases, ending the relationship altogether.
Also, don't allow your partner to use the silent treatment to control you in an argument. What may seem an expedient way to win or end an argument could cause irreversible damage to your relationship.
1. Don't try to win the silent game
To be clear, no one wins the silent game. Staying silent longterm hurts both people. Keeping this in the front of your mind can save several days of letting angst build up until it morphs into far worse feelings. A relationship needs communication like a person needs air.
2. Let go of your grudge and calm down first
A lot of silence is a bad thing. A little silence can be a lifesaver. In the heat of the moment, you might do or say something that you will regret and cannot take back. If you find yourself heading towards this angry place, step away and give yourself a bit of silence.
Avoid being confrontational about it. Tell your partner you just need a moment and that it's not that you have nothing to say – you just don't want to speak in anger. Stating this clearly can help diffuse an argument before it really gets going. This can empower you to use silence in a relationship constructively.
3. If it happens occasionally, start a conversation first
If you find silence becoming common in your relationship, it may be that your relationship is heading on a bad course. It's best to confront your partner with your concerns earlier rather than later. Let them know you fear the episodes of silence and want to keep your relationship healthy. It also reminds them their words are important to you.
4. If you're in a fight, communicate and offer solutions rather than waiting the silence out
Remember what your goal is when you are in an argument with your partner. You're trying to share something that upset you so as to avoid it from happening again in the future. Making your partner feel bad isn't really winning.
So, if you see an argument heading in a negative direction – instead of shutting down, take a breath and very calmly try and state what you think is wrong, why it is wrong, and what resolution you hope to achieve. Then give your partner some much-needed silence to reasonably absorb your words and respond.
5. Learn how to shift gears
Sometimes the best way to end the silent treatment is to stop it from happening in the first place. If you're in an occasionally silent relationship, start paying attention to when it begins in the argument.
Next time you feel it near, try this – stop and change your approach entirely. Tell your partner you think you're headed for silence, and tell him you don't want to go there. Suggest that you either try and calm down and continue, or just take a moment to collect yourselves before you do.
6. Use the time to reflect
One of the keys to ending the silence is to use it constructively. You can do that by calming yourself and rethinking an argument. Determine what it was you were hoping to achieve, and try to understand your partner's position. Used widely, a brief silence can actually be a tool to avoid conflict.
7. Take care of yourself
Silence can be damaging to your mental health. Humans are communal creatures, and silence is unnatural for us. There is a reason isolation is often considered a form of torture. So remember how much damage being in silence costs you as well as your partner. Recognizing how destructive silence is will help you avoid it at all costs.
The Double-Edged Sword of Silence
Silence in a relationship can be a blessing or a curse. Sometimes golden silence can help your relationship grow – keeping you and your partner from smothering each other and creating valuable "alone time". However, at other times it can be used to divert an argument from escalating.
In these cases, silence can serve as a valuable tool in deescalating an argument. But keep in mind that it can also cause longterm damage if you let it go on too long. So try and be proactive and remember to reach out when it is time to reconnect.